Street Crasher
by sinemoras09
Summary: Yato and Kazuma play a video game. Bishamon joins. Gen. Crack. No spoilers. Warning for coarse language.
1. Street Crasher

.

.

There were sounds coming from her brother's room.

Hiyori frowned, blinking up into the darkness. Shifting into spirit form, Hiyori hopped out of bed and padded down the hallway, surprised at the pulsing light emenating from beneath the door.

"Yato?"

"Damn it!" Yato said. He and Kazuma were sitting cross-legged on her brother's bed, barefoot and thumbs furiously tapping on her brother's controllers. Kazuma was dressed in a T-shirt and shorts, looking more like a college student than Bishamon's lead shinki, and Yato had taken off his fluffy fluff scarf and jersey. They were playing a fighting game and Yato was losing. "What the heck, Kazuma! That was an illegal move!"

"There's no such thing as an illegal move, Yato. You just need to admit that I'm better than you."

"Damn it!" Yato said, as Kazuma entered in another special combo. "Oi, Kazuma! Be glad this ain't real life, cuz if it were I'd kick your ass!"

"No you wouldn't." Another special combo. "I'd protect myself with a borderline before you could even come near me."

"Don't you dare start mocking me, Kazuma! Don't you know how long I've been a god?"

"Ano," Hiyori said. "What are you two doing?"

"They're playing _Street Crasher_ ," Yukine said. He was sitting on her brother's swiveling chair. "And Yato is losing."

"I see that." On screen, Kazuma's avatar spun into a roundhouse kick and slammed Yato's character into the wall. "What are you guys doing here?"

"That stupid psycho was complaining our game was too loud." Yato's thumbs tapped furiously. His character grunted. "I remembered your brother had a playstation so we thought we'd borrow your room."

"My apologies, Iki-san," Kazuma said. He was still concentrating on the screen. "I had assumed we were going to Kofuku-san's. But don't worry - I cast a spell on your parents so that we wouldn't wake them up."

"You _what_?!" Hiyori said. Kazuma blinked.

"I, ah, didn't think it would be good to disturb them."

"Ha, take that!" Yato said, and kicked Kazuma's character as it was standing not doing anything. "See, Yukine? Have a little faith in your master!"

" _Wow_ ," Yukine said, not impressed. And Kazuma's life bar, which was at a full, healthy green, dipped by 1%. Yato's was already red.

There was a knocking at the window.

"Bishamon-sama?" Hiyori said.

"Oh," Bishamon said. "Hello, Iki-san. Is Kazuma here?"

"Yeah, he's right inside." Hiyori motioned behind her, where Yato and Kazuma were sitting. Bishamon frowned.

"You're still playing that game?" Bishamon said, climbing inside. Yato was furiously banging his thumbs while Kazuma countered with measured ease.

"Oh, Veena," Kazuma said, and he lowered his controller. "My apologies. I lost track of time. I'll return to Takamagahara right away."

"Oi, Kazuma! We're in the middle of a match!" Yato said. He started wailing on Kazuma's avatar for emphasis. Kazuma sighed and hit a few buttons, knocking Yato's character out.

Bishamon quirked an eyebrow.

"Alright," Kazuma said, and he stood. "I'm ready, Veena."

"Oi!" Yato said, jumping up. "The hell do you think you're doing, Kazuma? The match isn't over yet!"

"I've beaten you six times already. I think it's safe to say you've lost."

"Oh?" Bishamon said. "What's this? Could it be that my Kazuma is better than you?"

Hiyori and Yukine glanced at each other, frowning.

"Oi, chijou! I was kickin' his ass before you interrupted!"

"Is that so?" Bishamon said. "Because it looked to me like my Kazuma was winning." She pulled off her boots and sat heavily on the bed, wedging herself between Kazuma and Yato.

"Aggh! I was sitting there!" Yato said. Bishamon smiled.

"Kazuma," Bishamon said, and her voice dropped to a low whisper.

"Let me see you dominate him."

"Are you sure, Veena?" Kazuma said. ("What the heck, Kazuma!" Yato said, while Yukine slapped his forehead and Hiyori blushed.) Bishamon nodded.

"No mercy," Bishamon said, smiling.

The tension in the room was palpable.

xXx

.

"That was pathetic!" Bishamon said, laughing, after Kazuma proceeded to kick Yato's ass in under five minutes. She gave Kazuma a high five and slapped Yato on the back, gleefully.

"Don't look so glum, Yatogami!" Bishamon said. "Clearly my Kazuma is just that much better than you!"

"Yeah? Well if you think it's so easy to beat me, let's see _you_ play this," Yato said.

"You cannot be serious," Bishamon said.

"I betcha I could kick your ass!" Yato said.

"Veena," Kazuma said, quietly. "The game is actually rather difficult. I would not attempt to play it seriously without practicing, first."

"You hear that, Bishamon?" Yato said. "Your exemplar knows you suck! Maybe you should just shut your trap and listen to him!"

"Give me the controller, Kazuma," Bishamon said.

"Er, Veena, I don't think it is a good id-"

" _Give me the controller, Kazuma._ "

"Ha ha!" Yato said, and he jumped back on the bed. "Now we're talking!"

"Ugh, Yato," Yukine said. "It's late! Can't we just go home?"

"No way, Yukine," Yato said. "We're up against the great Bishamonten! I need you to watch me kick her ass!"

"Let me start you on the tutorial," Kazuma said to Bishamon, and he selected the level on the screen.

xXx

.

"Huh," Hiyori said.

"Huh," Yukine said.

"Veena! Move your joystick left! Left! No, _the other left_!" Kazuma said.

"Huh," Hiyori said again. Yato laughed, mashing his thumbs on the controller.

"Ha ha! Bishamon! Where's your stupid trash talk, now?!"

"Impossible!" Bishamon said. She slammed her thumbs on the buttons. "That idiot magatsukami is beating me!"

"Veena! Hit him with a combo!" Kazuma said. "Go up, up! Down, down! _Turn_!"

"What?" Bishamon said, but Yato's character kicked her on the screen.

"Holy crap, Bishamon!" Yato said. "It's a good thing you've got Kazuma, 'cuz otherwise you just really suck!"

"What is happening?!" Bishamon said. Her life bar fell to almost zero. "Kazuma! Why is my life bar going red?!"

"It's 'cuz you're _losing_ , Bitch-a-mon!" Yato said. "Ne, ne, Kazuma! How's it feel serving such a crappy god?"

"I wouldn't know, Yato. You are not my god," Kazuma said.

Bishamon beamed at him. Yukine put his head in his hands.

"Ano," Hiyori said. "Don't you think it's a little unfair, Yato? You've been playing this game with Kazuma-san all night and Bishamon-sama just started. You had a lot of practice before."

"Hear that, Bishamon? You suck so bad my follower's feelin' sorry for you!"

"Yato! That's not what I said!" Hiyori said, reddening. Bishamon made an irritated sound, glaring and leaning forward.

"Veena," Kazuma said, quietly. "I'm going to get a drink of water. If you need me, you should call my name."

Bishamon waved her hand. "Not now, Kazuma, I'm trying to concentrate!"

Kazuma cleared his throat. "I'm just saying, Veena. If you need me, _you should call my name_."

Bishamon lifted her eyes. He nodded slightly, then turned to leave the room.

Bishamon cleared her throat, loudly. "Ka- _chouki_ ," she said, and she covered her nose.

"Huh?" Yato said. She quickly wrapped her hand around her ear.

"A sneeze," Bishamon said. She slipped her hand in her pocket before picking up the controller. "I beg your pardon."

"What the-" Yato's head snapped back toward the screen. Bishamon's thumbs slid over the controls easily.

"You were saying, Yatogami?" Bishamon said, and her thumbs tapped the controls, knocking out Yato's avatar and bringing his healthbar down to zero.

"What the hell?!" Yato said, jumping up. "How the hell did you do that?"

"Yatogami. Remind me again of your definition of 'suck'?" Bishamon grinned. "Because I do believe you are the one doing the 'sucking.'"

"Dammit!" Yato said. He threw in combos but Bishamon blocked them effortlessly.

(In her pocket, Kazuma-the-earring glinted. The heads-up display that normally swirled around her right eye was dampened - Kazuma tamped down the sheen that accompanied his lens - but the data still filtered in in real-time. The combos were highlighted - which buttons to tap, which triggers to press, in order - and Bishamon's thumbs followed it accordingly.)

"Wow," Hiyori said, awestruck. Her tail waved, appreciatively. "Bishamon-sama got really good all of a sudden."

"I know," Yukine said, nodding. "I bet it's cuz that shitty jersey's pissed her off."

"I wonder where Kazuma-san is?" Hiyori said, looking around. "It's kinda strange, isn't it? Ever since Kazuma-san left the room Bishamon-sama's been doing much better. It's a shame he isn't here to see."

"Yeah," Yukine said, and he glanced up. "Where _is_ Kazuma-san, anyway?"

"HA!" Bishamon said. "Double combo! You were saying, Yatogami?"

"O-oi! The hell did you learn that move from? You stupid skank, you cheated!"

"Don't be ridiculous, Yato," Bishamon said. Her eye glinted. Yato frowned.

"Ne," Yato said, squinting. "The hell's up with your eye?"

"What about my eye?" Bishamon said. Her thumbs tapped the controller.

"Your eye," Yato said. He squinted. "There's somethin' sparkling around it."

"I have no idea what you're talking about," Bishamon said. Yato's eyes widened.

"OI!" Yato said. "YOU'RE FRIGGIN WEARING KAZUMA!"

"I'm not wearing him!" Bishamon snapped.

"STOP LYING BITCH-A-MON! I SEE HIM SWIRLIN' AROUND YOUR EYE!"

"I'm not lying!" Bishamon said. She glared.

"...I have him in my pocket."

"I knew it!" Yato said.

"Ugh," Bishamon said.

"Ha ha! Way to have your boyfriend help you, Bishamon! I knew you couldn't beat me without him!"

"Return, Kazu," Bishamon said, and Kazuma zapped outside her pocket. "The Yatogami found us out."

"Hey Bishamon!" Yato said, preening. "Which god did you say sucks again? Cuz I don't think I quite remember."

"Be that as it may, Yato," Bishamon said, and her voice was clipped. Irritated. "My Kazuma is still stronger than you."

"Ha, yeah right!" Yato said. "Lemme tell ya something, honey. Just be glad this ain't real life - if me and my Sekki went up against you and your Chouki, all you'd have is a stupid earring! So guess which god would lose?"

"Are you insulting my hafuri?" Bishamon said.

"Ha ha! Hell no! I'm stating a simple _fact_!"

"Yato! That's enough!" Hiyori said. "Yukine-kun and Kazuma-san are both strong! And Bishamon-sama is still learning how to play!"

"You know what, Yatogami, your follower is right," Bishamon said. "I will concede that you are better than me, but none of us has yet to see young Yukine play."

"Huh?" Yukine said. All eyes turned on him.

"Are you serious, Bishamon?" Yato said. "My kid's a friggin teenager! He plays this crap all the time! Why do ya think I have to play with Kazuma? It's cuz Yukine thinks I'm not good enough to play with him!"

"Oh? So you're saying your kid can beat my Kazuma?" Bishamon smirked. "I'd like to see him try."

"Yeah? Well c'mon, Yukine!" Yato said, and he shoved Yukine the controller. "Show them what you got!"

"Can we go home after this?" Yukine said. Kazuma picked up the controller. Yato shook his fist.

"Oi, Yukine! You master's honor is at stake!"

"Fine," Yukine said, and he pressed the start button.

xXx

.

Their energy bars were at the same level.

Yukine worked his thumbs with the furious concentration of a top-ranked player defending his title, as Kazuma struck and countered with the same scary efficiency of a computer AI.

"This is getting kinda boring," Yato said.

"Indeed," Bishamon said.

"Oi, Yato! Can you shut it for a minute? I'm trying to freaking concentrate!" Yukine said.

Kazuma didn't say anything, biting his lip and hunching over the controller.

"I'm going back to sleep," Hiyori said, and she left the room.

xXx

.

"Hiyori! Time for breakfast!" Hiyori's mom walked past the bedroom.

"Oh," she said, opening the door. Everyone froze. Kazuma and Yukine were still sitting on the bed, wide-eyed and holding their controllers, while Bishamon and Yato stared at her, terrified. On the TV, Kazuma and Yukine's avatars breathed, heavily.

"Hiyori, honey? Were you playing in your brother's room again?" and she walked over and turned off the power.

"NO!" Yato and Bishamon said. Hiyori's mom lifted her head.

"There's a draft in Masaomi's room," she said, walking back into the hallway.

"I think you left open the window."


	2. Training Days

.

.

He was looking at his TOOYA doujins when Bishamon burst into his bedroom.

"Kazuma," Bishamon said.

"Aggh!" Kazuma said, and he shoved a pillow over his lap.

"Kazuma get dressed. We must get ready."

"W-what is it?" Kazuma said.

"It's a mission of utmost importance." She crossed the room, stopping to stand at the foot of his bed, seemingly nonplussed that her exemplar was hurriedly trying to straighten his clothes and throw his doujins in his dresser drawer. "By the way, I find it irritating that you always lock the door. I can't get inside your room when I need you."

"Um," Kazuma said. "Veena you broke my doorknob."

"I've been doing some thinking," Bishamon said, and she plucked a box of tissues from the mattress and tossed it to the side, sitting next to him, "and it occurred to me just how shameful it was losing to that idiot magatsukami. Situational awareness and increased responsiveness are paramount to being an effective war god, and yet somehow he bested me. It was disgraceful and I had no excuse to lose."

"It was just a video game," Kazuma said.

"It was an accurate simulation of the conditions we face in battle, and as a war god I cannot let that stand!"

"I think you're thinking too much about this," Kazuma said, frowning. "Veena it was just a video game. Something teenagers and jobless gods like Yato do for fun. You shouldn't take it so much to heart."

"You have no idea how much I've agonized over this," Bishamon said. "He's not even a proper war god - I cannot live down the shame of losing to him!

Kazuma," Bishamon said. "You're my blessing. I need you to guide me. Show me how to conquer _Street Crasher_."

"Veena it's 1 AM," Kazuma said.

"This cannot wait!" Bishamon said. Kazuma sighed.

"Let me turn on the console."

xXx

.

"Okay, Veena," Kazuma said, handing her a controller. "The first thing you need to do is pick a character. It's always a good idea to pick a single character to use, that way you can familiarize yourself with its move set. It will make it easier learning the mechanics of the game."

"Okay," Bishamon said. "How do I select?"

"Press the circle button."

"Okay," Bishamon said. "I'm taking this guy."

"This guy?" Kazuma looked at the character - a big, bald, angry-looking guy with a scar over his face and chewing on a chain. "Um, Veena, I wouldn't pick him. He's not a very good starter character. His move sets are slower, so if you miss a hit, it may take a little while to recover from it."

"Then I just won't miss," Bishamon said, and she selected the character.

"O-kay..." Kazuma frowned. "Next you should pick your username. That'll be the name of your avatar when you play online."

"Okay," Bishamon said, and she selected the letters.

B-I-S-H-A-M-O-N.

"Uh, typically you wouldn't use your real name," Kazuma said.

"Why? I have nothing to hide," Bishamon said, and she confirmed the name.

 _Error. This username is already taken. Please choose another._

"What?" Bishamon said. "Someone else is using my name?"

"Apparently," Kazuma said. Bishamon frowned.

B-I-S-H-A-M-O-N-1

 _Error. This username is already taken. Please choose another._

"I don't understand," Bishamon said.

"Just use a different number at the end," Kazuma said. She entered in the number.

B-I-S-H-A-M-O-N-2

 _Error. This username is already taken. Please choose another._

B-I-S-H-A-M-O-N-3

 _Error. This username is already taken. Please choose another._

B-I-S-H-A-M-O-N-4

 _Error. This username is already taken. Please choose another._

"Oh c'mon!" Bishamon said. Kazuma sighed.

"Veena. The whole point of an avatar is to create a different persona. Perhaps you should come up with something a little more original?"

"Why?" Bishamon said. "I'm me. Nothing is going to change that."

"Well unfortunately your name seems to be very popular," Kazuma said. "I'd suggest using something else."

Bishamon rubbed her chin and frowned.

W-A-R-G-O-D-1

 _Error. This username is already taken. Please choose another._

W-A-R-G-O-D-2

 _Error. This username is already taken. Please choose another._

W-A-R-G-O-D-3

 _Error. This username is already taken. Please choose another._

"Dammit!" Bishamon said, and she furiously selected the letters.

K-A-Z-U-M-A

"Why would you pick that?" Kazuma said.

"Why not?" Bishamon said.

 _Error. This username is already taken. Please choose another._

K-A-Z-U-M-A-2

 _Error. This username is already taken. Please choose another._

C-H-O-U-K-I

The screen blinked.

 _Username is available._

"Finally!" Bishamon said, and she selected it with a flourish. On the screen, "Chouki" growled and flexed his muscles.

"He's perfect!" Bishamon said, crowing.

"Is...that the type of guy you like, Veena?" Kazuma said. He felt suddenly self-conscious. _Street Crasher_ Chouki was all hard muscle and bottled rage, whereas the real chouki was a pretty little earring.

"It is!" Bishamon said, beaming. On the screen, "Chouki" flexed. He couldn't see his neck.

"You like them really muscular," Kazuma said, frowning.

"All the better to crush my enemies with!" Bishamon said.

"Oh." He exhaled, relieved. "So you don't find him, ah, attractive?"

Bishamon frowned at him.

"Nevermind."

"Splendid!" Bishamon said, as the screen cut to black. "I'm ready to fight, Kazuma! And don't hold back! I'm a big believer in learning by doing, you know."

xXx

.

They were in their twenty-seventh hour of straight gameplay when Yato walked into the room.

"The hell are you guys doing?" Yato said. Bishamon and Kazuma hadn't moved from the bed in the entire day-plus of their gaming spree; Bishamon was still in her white nightgown and Kazuma was still in his pajamas, and there were empty energy drinks strewn on the floor. Bishamon was hunched over the controller, focused in her intensity, while Kazuma was half passing out next to her.

"Dammit, Kazuma! How the hell are you still beating me?" Bishamon said.

"Huh?" Kazuma said. His eyes were half-closed and yet he was still pulling off 20-hit combos. "Oh, Yato. What brings you here?"

"You didn't show up to your patrol." Yato frowned. "It's a good thing I'm a god of fortune, now. Yukine's been riding my ass to kill those phantoms. You're lucky I was there to take over."

Bishamon grunted, tapping on her controller.

"Yatogami. You're interrupting our sparring session. Is there something you want?"

"Wait, you guys have been playing this game all night?" Yato stared at the screen: CHOUKI, the bald, muscular character, was getting his ass thoroughly creamed by VEENA4LIFE, the blonde, big-titted character wearing a bikini top and biker jacket. "Whoa, Bishamon! You're actually getting pretty good."

" _That_ was Kazuma. I'm the one who got slammed."

"Wait, what?" Yato said.

"I'm Chouki," Bishamon said. "He's Veena4life"

"...what."

"Yatogami! Do you have a reason why you're here? If not, you should see yourself out before I kick you out." Bishamon slammed her thumbs onto the controllers. "DAMMIT!"

Kazuma's head drooped. "Veena, I'm tired. Do we have to keep playing?"

"Yes! Not until I beat you!"

"Oi Kazuma, are you stupid or something? Just let her win," Yato said.

"I tried letting her win," Kazuma said, tearfully. He looked like he was going to cry. "But she always knew."

"Yatogami! Quit distracting my exemplar!" Bishamon tapped her thumbs furiously. "I won't stop training until I know that I can best you!"

"Actually, Veena, you can probably beat Yato easily as you are now."

Bishamon glanced up.

"Really?" Bishamon said. Yato snorted.

"You wish," Yato said. "You're like, a hundred years too late to even come _close_ to beating me!"

"Kazuma, can I really beat him?" Bishamon said.

Kazuma drooped forward, breathing softly. Bishamon shook him awake.

"Kazuma!"

"Oi, let him sleep," Yato said. He took off his jersey. "Hand me the controller."

xXx

.

"HAH?!" Yato said. "WHAT THE HELL, BISHAMON! WHERE THE HELL'D YOU LEARN TO DO THAT?!"

"Your follower was right, Yatogami." Bishamon grinned. "All I needed was a little practice!"

"Oi, Kazuma!" Yato said, and he shook him awake. "What the hell have you been doing to her?" Kazuma moaned and pulled a pillow over his head. Bishamon grinned at him, triumphantly.

"Remind me again, Yatogami, which god did you say most 'sucks'? Because I can't quite remember."

xXx

.

Suddenly, the scar-faced CHOUKI took the online gaming world by storm.

"HA!" Bishamon said. She was barefoot and sitting cross-legged on Kazuma's bed, wearing a headset and thumbs tapping furiously on the controller. "You think you can best me, War God 1345! But it seems you are not a proper war god, now!"

" _The fuck is this old hag doing on here?_ " The kid's voice filtered through the microphone. " _Can't someone tell this cunt to shut the fuck up?_ "

"Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?" Bishamon said. She slammed her thumbs onto the buttons. "Ha ha! Another glorious defeat!"

" _Go die in a fire, you cocksucking hag!_ " And War God 1345 signed out.

"Nice rage quit, kid," Bishamon said, gleefully. Kazuma frowned.

"Veena," Kazuma said. "Far be it from me to question your choices, but taunting teenagers on the internet seems rather beneath you."

"It's part of the game, Kazuma," Bishamon said. Her fingers tapped the controllers. "Don't be such a noob."

"'Noob'?" Kazuma raised his eyebrows.

"Oh, oh Kazuma. Listen to this. Do you like dragons?" Bishamon asked.

"What?" Kazuma said. Bishamon giggled gleefully.

"Just answer the question, Kazuma! Do you like dragons?"

Kazuma sighed. "If I answer yes, you'll retort with something vulgar, won't you?" Kazuma said. Bishamon bit her lip.

"Fine, yes. I like dragons," Kazuma said.

"Good!" Bishamon said. "Because after this game I'll be _dragon_ my nuts all over you!" And she started laughing hysterically.

"You don't _have_ nuts," Kazuma said, exasperated. "And secondly, what does that even have to do with _Street Crasher_?" Bishamon waved her hand.

"This Near Shore human said that to me a few hours ago. It was so clever I had to remember it!"

"Veena," Kazuma said. "You are a war god. This is beneath you."

"Oh, lighten up, Kazuma. Can't you let your master have a little bit of fun?"

"You are neglecting your wishes," Kazuma said. "The others have been waiting for you to go on patrol."

"The Yatogami is handling that." Bishamon waved her hand.

"You haven't bathed," Kazuma said. "You're not eating and you haven't slept in days."

"I'm a god, Kazuma. All I need is the belief of my followers to sustain me."

"Veena this isn't good for you," Kazuma said. "This game is taking you away from your godly duties. As your exemplar I cannot let this continue!"

" _Hey Chouki! Lemme see your tits!_ "

Bishamon grinned, tapping on the buttons.

"How about you fellate my erect penis first?"

xXx

.

"Yato," Kazuma said. "I need your help."

"Again?" Yato said, and he motioned for Yukine to follow him.

They walked into Kazuma's room. What was once immaculate to a fault was now filled with garbage; more empty energy drink cans littered the ground, and a stack of empty pizza boxes were piled against the wall.

"She's been here the entire time?" Yato said. Kazuma nodded, gravely.

"She has. I've taken to sleeping in Kuraha's quarters for the duration."

"Oi, why didn't ya just sleep in her room?" Yato pointed at Bishamon, who was furiously thumbing the controller.

"Er," Kazuma blushed. "The bedsheets smelled too much like her."

"Ha!" Bishamon said. She jumped up. "Another confirmed kill! Who's the dominant player now?"

" _Sekki_ ," Yato said, and he lifted his swords.

xXx

.

"Well," Kazuma said, defeated. "That didn't work."

"Shut _up_ ," Yato said. He was still nursing the wound on his head from where Bishamon punched him after he tried cutting her ties.

"Kazuma," Bishamon said. "You can have back your room."

"Really?" Kazuma said. Bishamon nodded.

"This game is boring me," Bishamon said. "It no longer poses a challenge."

"That's surprising," Kazuma said. "Veena what made you change your mind?" Bishamon shrugged and smiled.

"I forgot how good it felt to get physical," Bishamon said. She flexed her arm and rubbed her bicep, smiling.

"Punching the Yatogami made me remember."


	3. Outtakes (Rated R for language)

.

.

1.

"Yo Kazuma."

Kazuma tapped his thumbs on the controller. "What is it, Yato?"

"What's with you choosing that character?"

On the screen, Kazuma was using the female character with long blonde hair and a black bikini top and biker jacket. "What about it?" Kazuma said.

"I mean, dontcha think it's kinda creepy, choosin' a character that looks just like her?"

"I happen to like her move set," Kazuma said.

"I _bet_ you like her move set," Yato said.

"I fail to see the resemblance," Bishamon said.

xXx

.

2.

"Veena, I'm going to bed," Kazuma said.

"Kazuma, do you mind sleeping in my quarters instead? I'm in the middle of a match and I can't pause the game."

"Very well," Kazuma said, and he picked up his pillow.

xXx

.

"Kazuma-san. What brings you here at this time of night?" Kuraha said.

"Um," Kazuma frowned.

He had spent the better half of the night lying in Veena's bed, smelling Veena's sheets, and furtively cuddling Veena's nightgown, which she had left draped on top of her pillow. He could have happily rolled around in Veena's bed all night, except that the ensuing erection made things rather difficult.

"My apologies, Kuraha. Bishamon-sama has commandeered my room."

xXx

.

3.

"Why is my username SPECIAL SNOWFLAKE?!" Yukine said. Yato coughed up his cereal. "Oi, Yato!"

"Don't blame me, Yukine! All the other cool usernames were taken!"

"I think it's a cute name," Hiyori said, and Yukine grumbled and tapped on the controller.

"It must be hard, having to pick a name," Hiyori said. "Bishamon-sama was saying how difficult it was for her, and poor Yukine-kun had a hard time, too."

"Heh. I betcha my name's already taken!" Yato said. He tapped on the controller.

Y-A-T-O

 _Username is available_.

xXx

.

4.

"Unfortunately for you, War God 1345, you are merely a human rectum!"

"Oh ho? Are you serious? Perhaps you should place your mouth on my erection!"

"You want to copulate with me? Well how about you go copulate with yourself! That is to say, go masturbate!"

"Oh yeah? Well how about you _lick my clit_ , Yatogami!"

("WHAT?!" Yato said. Kazuma slapped his forehead.)

xXx

.

5.

"You stupid skank! Do you even know what the heck that means?!" Yato said, after Bishamon loudly told him to fellate her penis.

"Of course I do!" Bishamon snapped. "What do you take me for? A child?"

"Okay then. So school us, chijou. What exactly were you saying?"

Bishamon sniffed. "It is a Near Shore insult of the highest caliber."

"Yeah no kidding. What's the literal meaning?" Yato said.

"It means to fall down on your knees before me and beg for my mercy," Bishamon said.

No one wanted to argue with her.

xXx

.

6.

"Oh," Bishamon said, after Kazuma finally and shame-facedly explained the meaning behind the Near Shore's insult of highest caliber. "I see why that was so embarrassing. My apologies, Kazuma. I shall refrain from using that language in the future."

"Thank you, Veena," Kazuma said. He got up to leave, still not looking at her.

"Oh, Kazuma?"

"Yes, Veena?"

"If you asked me to put my mouth on your penis, you'd be requesting me to perform that sex act on you, correct? I mean, I can understand why that can be insulting, but if you care about someone, wouldn't you want to make them feel good?"

"..."

"Kazuma?"

"...I'm going to my room."


End file.
